I am so involved in living these days that at times I find myself suddenly torn from the situation and forced to view everything objectively. It is as if my life does not want me to miss out on the huge joke life is. And I am glad for it.
Becoming an adult I realize is like understanding a concept I once thought would be beyond me, but with time has turned out to be obvious and effortless. I find myself having opinions I don't rush to negate. I don't fear from being some one else to know what it is like. My head buzzes with jostling thoughts and ideas that successfully dampen the echoes that foreign voices leave.
I feel isolated and thankful for it.
Another fact I opened my eyes to is the aging of the world around me. I have a sense of the passage of time. The 'samaa' of my childhood that would recycle itself with every season is now a place I can be in only in my pieced-together memory.
The summer this time is different. Not in a bad way. In a new way. It might just be that it is time to live in the present. Just as well, but the impossibility now of reverting to a state where everything was possible deserves an unshakable sadness. I have my first stretched heart-string.
I know of the things I will never do, of people I will not like, of scenarios I will not run into. I am afraid of running out of questions...
And then there are the persons that used to answer them. They are fast fading away from my horizon. Some I realized are faking it. Some I can predict, even win against. Some I can only wish for. But they all seem wrinkled and bent all of a sudden. Like I blinked and they went old. Became mortal. Found regrets more than right decisions. Maybe it is to do with all the books I read on diseases. Or the time I spend often asking poor, sick persons for their 'histories' at their vulnerable best. Or with the loss of my grandfather to a slow, painful death. Or just making peace with the fact that no character, fictional or otherwise, seems to mirror my state anymore. I am on my own now. And this constant state of being around morbidity may as well stick around. It can serve to illustrate how powerless we are as individuals in changing another's life. And that it is evil to waste borrowed time. And the importance of looking at the bigger picture, especially when every thing around closes in and appears magnified.
I keep wondering at the chances that are to come my way. Will I ever covet for any of them? Will I blame all that I have gained if I lose them? Every man destroys the thing he loves...
Next year will be a year of changes and beginnings once again. I wonder if I will miss out on savouring the inauguration of my professional life because I will be doubting my capacity based on unfounded fears. Being in a private college may have done minimal to my clinical skills, but the time and quiet it gave for the furthering of my mind in so many spheres redeems it many times over. It gave me the surety that I will not die feeble. Right now, I will not trade these past 4 years for anything. I fervently hope I never do. May be I never will, and my life will turn out as awesome as I have planned it and as independent. May be I must stop using parameters that others around me apply. My needs were never theirs. My ways were never theirs. Most of the time I shudder to think of living their lives. They must exist for ample bad examples.
It is like the time school ended. So many lived stopped then. Lived to the peak they would reach. Whatever their excuses, they got sucked into the vortex of the world and 'it's ways'. Another vacuum seems to be developing in a year's time.
But I have just begun keeping time from this summer...
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